Subject: The Back Injury - RX
Date: Fri, 28 Jun 1996 13:46:17 -0500
From: OB1 rod@OB1.com
Organization: www.OB1.com
Earlier in the week .. I had mentioned to some people .. that I had just
recently badly injured my back ... and would appreciate any news of
other peoples suffering ... Jeff .. kindly responded .. with this ..
(excerpt only below)
>> RK...
>> Agonizing in pain right there with you...
I
>> too OB1 have had some recent pain... *a grimacing look falls across
>> his face..*
>> .. I was holding
>> her (Jeff is talkin about a fish here !! ), showing her off to
my
>> fishing partner... when she started flopping
>> in my hand.... her teeth quickly began grinding on my thumb and
>>
>> palm.... OOOOUUUUCCCHHHHH.... SSSHHHHHH_____TTTTT... I screamed...
>> OOhh the pain... she cut right into me.... damn that fish.....
>> inspected my hand... the cuts were slight, but in just the right
>> tender places to hurt.... It was horrible... I sat down for a
few
>> minutes trying to catch my breath... feeling my back and arms
>> throbbing again from the fight...... and my thumb now throbbing
from
>> her teeth...
>> So. OB1.. I too know your pain... I certainly hope after hearing
my
>> sobbing story, it may have brought the slightest bit of relief
to
>> you....
>> JB...
*********************************************
Now MY RESPONSE to JEFF... succinct and to the point !
Dear JB ...
Thanks for that ! .. that was great !!! .. for a few brief shining
moments .. I was pain free ... the part about the "bass teefesses"
...
grinding and lacerating their way into you fingers was, to me at least
.. the most delightful part ... I was lost in the moment ... but as the
urge to cackle out loud (COL) .. percolated up from within my very
bowels ... I was struck with .. an appalling assault on my senses ...
the tension created by your vivid depiction had backfired on me ... I
was now in the terrible jaws of pain ... pain like I have never before
in my life experienced ... I immediately .. escalated from my seat ...
a
spontaneous reaction .. I suppose I was attempting to flee the pain....
but it backlashed ... the already incomprehendable pain ... doubled ...
yes .. twice the agony .. twice the incomprehendability .... twice all
of it .... It was truly racking .. as best I could I crawled and clawed
my way over to the phone and dialed Dr. Jack.
"Dr. Jack.... OB1 here, sorry to be makin myself such a pest but ..
it
is now unbearable !!!!" ... "the pain" .... I wailed at
the top of my
lungs.... Then Dr. Jack , much to his credit .. started asking those
all important preliminary screening questions. Have you been, up to
this incident .. relatively pain free ? ... "YES DAMN IT !!! .. JACK
YES
" ... I screech ... then Dr. Jack asks.. "have you ever done
strange
things to small animals ?" ... "YES.... YES ... of course .."
... I
BLURT out .. barely able to maintain consciousness... then Dr. Jack
asks ..."have you ever engaged in cat juggling ? ..I light-headedly
respond feebly .. "YES .. YES .. !!!! ... geeze JACK .. (*arrrrghhhhhhh
!! *) .. WHO HASN'T ?" ...... then Jack takes me aback with this one
...
" ... do you drive a late model Volkswagen Diesel Jetta ? " ....
(*wondering how he knew ? *) ... "YES .. YES .. JACK .. DAMMIT ...
YES
... !!!! " Then Jack states the obvious .. "Just take it out
for a
drive .. and don't roll the windows down " .... ... and don't turn
on
the air .... I then see it !! . I SEE IT !!! ... "JACK .. THANK YOU
JACK !!! and THE AIR DOESN'T WORK ANYWAY !!! ... (* smiling in pain -
realizing the low cost tools I already had at my disposal *) ... JACK
.. YOU ARE A GENIUS !!!! .... I then hung up ....
Not stopping to think, I began what made the previous pain seem like a
cake walk .. unable to walk... lying on my stomach .. on the floor
...literally clawing with my finger nails (each of which now had a bad
hang-nail) ... and pushing with my toe-nails .. (also hang-nailed ...
and bleeding profusely) ...
across the carpet of the living room ... opening the strongly sprung
front glass and screen door .... with
my face .. being unable to reach
up and .. unlatch it properly .... I forged on squeezing my now nearly
paralyzed torso .. out the opening ... then JEFF .. the UNTHINKABLE
OCCURRED ... the tightly sprung ( new Ace Hardware return springs
recently installed )... screen and glass door .. SLAMMED shut on my
badly bleeding feet .... breaking the glass .. which as a result of the
SLAM .. shattered, recoiled and plunged .. huge glass shards ...
directly into my back .. a back already experiencing the HELL FIRES of
PAIN !!!! .... each of these jagged pieces now equisitly knifed their
way into some 20 or 30 places ... neatly aligning themselves along my
back-bone ... each point .... seemingly finding .. a yet even more
painful nerve .. to stimulate ...
THIS PAIN !!!!! ... could have distributed itself among 100 paratroopers
.. and had them all "praying for death"
... but yet I .. OB1 .. pulled my now paralyzed from the arm-pits down
body ... relentlessly toward the ... rotting hulk of a car (my 1985
Jetta diesel) .. to me though ... it was like CAMELOT .. in the sunset
.... for there on the drive way .... I knew .. lay an END .. to my
suffering ...
In those last few yards .. I was so far gone .. I failed to notice an
old piece of re-bar (rusty iron rod .. approx. 1/2" in diameter) ...
stuck in my front yard and sticking out of the ground some 3 inches ...
this is what I dragged my body over . THIS is what RIPPED OUT MY LIVER
.... of course by now I barely noticed the magnification of the ..
already insurmountable... and blinding pain .... then bumping my head
injuriously into the side of the Jetta .. I reached up ...
to open the door .. my badly bleeding right hand .. flailing wildly ..
blessedly touched the expensive black plastic handle .. the END was in
sight !!!!! ... a wait .... in FEEL !!! ...
I felt like Carl Lewis touching the relay baton at the finals of 4x100
relay in the 1984 Olympics at Los Angeles ... you know the one with
Mayor Tom Bradley waving the Olympic flag during the Opening Ceremonies
... and Juan Antonio Samurantz .. the Chairman of the Olympic Committee
.. and those memorable words .. "Goda blessa Amereeca" .. and
then
switching to the bullet-proof celebrity booth .. in the upper decks ..
to hear .. the then President .. Ronald Reagan .. exclaim .. "I now
declare the games of the 23rd Olympiad OPEN."
... but anyway ... the LIVER .. THE GLASS in the BACK .. the RUPTURED
DISK ... the BLEEDING HANG NAILS ... many of them now completely ripped
off .... THE PAIN !!!! ... was nearly a matter of record only .. I could
sense it .. it would all end soon ...
.. what now remained of my badly mauled .. index finger .. twisted
cruelly over the door latch .. as I squeezed .. and thankfully the door
opened ... I began to pull and drag with every ounce of strength left in
my tortured ... body (a body that time has not been kind to) ... until
I was sitting . upright under the oak tree . in my beautiful grey VW ..
with the "please don't wash me " sign .. still showing on the
trunk ..
having been .. finger printed .. onto the dirt there .. some 18 months
earlier ... by me personally.
I was now ready to begin the OB1 equivalent of a "Japanese
Tea
Ceremony"... for Jetta & Occupant .. in B-Flat Minor .. opus
69.......
I was ready ... I .... I grasped the key ... like the boys at SAC ....
used to grasp the RED ... H-BOMB RELEASE TRIGGER ... the engine and all
its worn parts .. began to turn .. the preliminary puffs .. of black
diesel smoke .. began to emerge from the exhaust as a symbol of the full
noise and combustion that would surely follow ... but as it churned and
choked and chuffed .. the battery grew ever weaker .. until all motion,
smoke and sound had died !!!! ... even the normally static-ee reception
of the radio .. was strangely silent .
... I NEEDED TO BE JUMPED OFF !!!!!
....... I NEEDED TO BE JUMPED OFF !!!!!
........... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ???? ...
I drug myself bravely from the drivers seat to the trunk of the car ..
taking that same failing key and reaching up .. unlocking the truck ..
and somehow pulling out the jumper cables .. now as I drug myself
ever closer to the sparsely traveled street out front .. jumper cables
dangling from my mouth .... I prayed that soon someone would come by ...
thinking I had miraculously survived a ghastly lawn mower accident ...
and assist me in jumping off my ... two door - standard transmission -
blood soaked American made German Import
(to be continued)
Anyway Thanks for the pick-me-up memo JB !!!! I know you meant well ...
but
..please be less vivid in your wording next time ... your memo ...
nearly did me in.. (*OB1 dreading the medical bills .. and the eventual
towing charges*)
anyway happy Friday .. and have an excruciating weekend ..
Subject: Haus & Accident
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 19:04:27 -0500
From:OB1 rod@ob1.com
Organization: www.OB1.com
To: OB1 News Subscribers
Hi Everyone
.. sorry I'm so slow responding to your memos ...
... (* OB1 reachin up from the floor to type on the blood covered
keyboard *)
... I've fallen and I can't get up ....
.... but instead of calling the ambulance .. or 911 ...
I remembered .... I owe you all a response to your kind memos and knew
I
needed to get back with you and ....
(* arrrghhhh ... the INCREDIBLE PAIN ... OB1 wincing ...trying to
avoid watching the blood gushing from his badly severed jugular vein *)
.... AND .. I wanted to at least tell you I'm alive ... after this
dreadful shaving injury
(* OB1 tries to calculate in an Windows95 screen .. how long he's got..
at this blood loss rate ... *)
"thank god for windows95" .. "thank god for Bill Gates"
.... he blurts
out
... I'm gonna have to be brief .... already the room is up to the
electrical outlets in blood and gore .. I'm not so much worried about
the gore .. but if the blood gets into the AC current .. I may be toast
!!! ...
...... (* OB1 reaches up to his neck and tries to re-direct the now
nearly fire hose pressure .. out the open back window ... just another
couple of inches up ... THERE *)
.... .. I got it .. maybe I can relax a bit now ... its all goin
out into the back yard .....
So anyway .. where was I ? .. oh yeah your memo .. well lets see .....
..... (*OB1 still concentrating the torrent out the Window
.. wonders if he can ever clean all this up *)
... oh and by the way .. I've ordered .. one of those Epson Digital
cameras ... soon you'll all be receiving sound and Picture files .... in
Email .... assuming I can stem the flow of these damn corpuscles ....
>> So many of you asked ... OB1 ....How are you ?
.. Great .. ... (* OB1 lookin in the mirror .. checkin his
color *) .. yup .. peachy .. couldn't feel better ... (* if they.
could see this carnage .. And the Gore .. god !!! look at the gore ...
OB1 picks up some of the gore... holds it up to the light .. being
careful not to drip any on his keyboard *) .. Yuck !!!!! .. geeeze !!!
.
> and many of you asked about the dog ?
Well the pit bull is howling outside under the window for some reason ..
let me stop and check .. BRB ..
ok .. I'm back .. the Pit-Bull is a mess .. God !!! ... covered in blood
from head to toe .. I don't know what she's been into ... it looks like
she killed an elephant in the back yard .. and it bleed to death ....
.... OOOOHHHH DAMN !!!!! ...
................ (* OB1 realizing that he has forgotten about directing
the bloody geyser out the back window .. he observes the crimson tide
lapping on the brink of disaster ... one little splash .. and the
wavelets would enter the 110 volt OB1 electrical system .. this was a
moment for clear headed sober thinkin and action ...
....INSTANTLY OB1 .. grabs his neck and pinches the spot immediately
above the horrifying gash and .. like a bent water hose the gusher
responds with a kind of fanned out and gentler spray ... and it heads on
and blessedly out of .. the open portal to the back yard .... creating
a
strangely purple - rainbow of carnage .. silhouetted against the
evening's setting sun *)
... Well I gotta go now .. I might ought to get some stitches ... at the
emergency room ...
Bye for now ... let me know how you're doing .
(* blood spewing out of OB1's neck as he walks to the other room ...
lookin like a fireboat in Australia's Grand Opening celebration of the
Sydney Opera House *)
..... OB1 walks past some of his friends and
inadvertently drenches them ... "Oh geeeze .. I'm sorry" .. he
exclaims
...
"I gouged myself shaving this morning and I can't seem to curtail
this
deplorable bleeding" ... ..... OB1 throws each of them a roll of paper
towels "......
"thanks a lot ROD !!"..they all say in unison .. "we needed
that !! "
.... "I'll never get this out of this pink carpet ! " .....
someone says ...
Embarrassed ,..... "I'm going out side for a minute" ... OB1
says to
them .
....out on the back deck ... the pit-bull stares at OB1 in a strange and
hitherto unseen gaze.... drenched ... the poor animal .. tries in vain
to figure out how to help her suffering master
.... the Hymlick maneuver .. "I've seen that" ..the Pit-Bull
thinks
... "what about placing a poultice directly over the insult .. I've
seen
that in one of those old Westerns .. Bonanza .. I think"
... ... "Bok Choy or Dim Chow used that ... he got the fresh poultice
out of a little sack .. slapped it once....then rubbed it briskly
between his hands .. then placed his hands on Haus' bad knee" ...
"then
Haus was able to get up and finish the Karate Tournament ... which he
won .. with a one legged standing white crane maneuver.. as best I
remember ... kicking his oponent in a highly illegal spot that Pa and
Little Joe had shown him ... earlier in the week ... "
... as the pitbull approaches Ob1 on the back deck .... OB1 .. puts the
hapless dog into a reverse figure four leg-lock ... then ... slips that
hold ... skillfully into a full-Nelson .. then he lofts the infamous dog
into the air ... and throws it over the deck railing ... for the win
.. another fine ending .. to a great day at the lake ... OB1 ... sits
there bleeding in his chase lounge ... face all aglow ..
on his back deck .. overlooking the lake ... as the sun sets in the west
... savoring his victory ... "ya know ..its golden sunsets like this
..
out by this sycamore tree ... that make me want ta hall off and kiss
Scarlet " ... OB1 says to himself
.. (* pit-bull .. with headed cocked to one side ... lookin at OB1 ..
wonders if Haus was in that movie ...*)
.. what does it mean .. do you think ... when you cough real
hard at this hour of the morning and .. those little decorative
reflective glitter things that some rock stars put in their hair ... get
all over your computer screen ???
.... I can't help but wonder if I got those from KFC last night .. from
that damnable New Recipe Chicken .. I knew not to try it out ... the
picture didn't look right somehow .... could have been a bad photo I
suppose ... but you know what they say about first impressions of bad
chicken ....
....actually this whole issue is fresh on my mind after that bad batch
of crab salad .. that I made up yesterday .... have you ever nearly
killed yourself throwing up ?? .. ask me about that sometime !!!
Speaking of that I thought you might appreciate sharing in some of the
news about my recent trip to the gulf .... what follows is an excerpt
...
------------------------
OB1 at Gulf Shores Beach - News composed on a COMPAQ AERO laptop :
---------
OK ... OB1 ...at the beach ..... Gulf Shores .... just finished with a
fish supper ... hand caught ... cleaned and cooked ... by none other
than you guessed it !!! .... yup the big Kahuna himself ..... it had all
been so easy ...
I mean like I wake up this morning.... feelin a little tired ... cause
I
had stayed up till 2:00 AM ... wooooo .... late ... yup .... but you
know me .... so there I am completely naked .... lookin in the mirror
..... hummin the theme from "JAWS" and wonderin .... "big
potty or
little potty ? " .... "too early for this kinda
problem", I think to myself ... so I did neither .... there being
no
obvious winner ... both functions now nearly crippling in their degree
of discomfort !!!! .....
..there I was .... on the verge of complete loss of bowel .... and ...
bladder control .... I could not help but notice .... with complete
frustration .... the utter state of disarray my hair seemed to have
achieved during the night just passed .... I was needless to say ...
saddened and at the same time somewhat "chuffed" by this image
..... there I was ... in incredible discomfort and obviously not looking
my best ... I wanted to go fishing ... I wanted to eat ... I wanted to
go to the bathroom ... any kind of bathroom .... something to bring
merciful relief to one of two now incredibly tense and strained areas of
my old but admittedly "cherry" body ... but that was my quandry
... I
WANTED IT ALL
... after all I was on vacation ... and I didn't have time
for all this ... all these decisions .. This was supposed to be a time
to relax ... it was in this state of mind still standing there ... in
front of the mirror paralysed by the necessity of making a decision
...that I observed ... with total disregard for my already troubled
mental and physical state ... that there standing in the mirror looking
back at me was ... a naked 51 year old man ... silver-grey hair ...
tanned, visibly muscular (even through the all-important protective fat
layer) ... the essence of pure animal sex .... I confess in spite of
everything else racing through my mind ... it was with no small amount
of effort ... that I retained a tight cap on the Johnsons Cowboy Oil ...
knowing that to trade away 30 minutes now..... in the selfish pursuit of
pleasure ... would seriously jepardise the optimistic vacation schedule
I had set for myself some 48 hours ealier ...
So there I was ... nearing an explosion ... ... which would it be ? What
would be best .. under these strained circumstances ....a strange home
... a wildly decorated bathroom .. on a whim I decided on the little
potty ... my body was instantlty overwhelmed by a strange sense of
relief .... glassy eyed ...this remedy was greated with high emotion and
at the same time a sense of gratitude ..... I would rate it a 7......
what next I asked myself ... an agonizing feeling came over me ....
Well I could go on and on .. but for brevity sake .. I emerged
from the bathroom at around 4:30 that afternoon .... I felt like someone
that had been abducted .. or had experienced an out-of-body experience
..... you don't know how close I came .. to never getting out of
that bathroom ... I don't even remember what happened between say 8:30
AM .. and 4:30 PM ......
I mean have you ever in life used a commode that seemed to have
Extraordinary flushing capability .... I mean one of those that if you
put your pet beagle in ... and flushed ... you're confident you wouldn't
hear so much as a whine over the thunderous flushing action and instant
disappearance of your best freind.... I mean no doggy paddling .. no
barking ... no thrashing about .... I mean just flush and WHOOOOOOOOOSH
!!!! ... history ... gonners .. toast !!!
I learned an important lesson here .... NEVER EVER use a strange
commode without a TEST FLUSH .... I know what people mean now when they
say they were being pulled into the light .....
On the other hand the rest of the vacation was fairly uneventful .........................
